Getting The Pronouns and Name Correct and Being Respectful of Others

When it comes to gender, there are many things that everyone should know, as well as respect. We all should not assume a persons gender. We should call a person they/them until a certain gender is specified.

However, I am not one to speak. Because I am, in fact, a fellow "assumer". If I meet someone and I accidentally mis-gender them I do not just say sorry and move on if they correct me though. I simply say thank you. If a person apologizes for their actions, such as accidentally dead-naming or using the wrong pronouns, then the mis-gendered may feel as if they need to say that it is okay. And it is not. So do not apologize! Say "Thank you for telling me." And continue with your conversation and move on using the correct pronouns. Or if you do feel the need to apologize, which I sometimes do, say, "Oh, I apologize. Thank you for letting me know." A lot of the time it can be tempting to go on and on about how bad you feel that you messed up or how hard it is for you to get it right. Please do not do this! It is inappropriate and makes the person who was mis-gendered feel awkward and responsible for comforting you, which is absolutely not their job!

Using the correct names and pronouns shows respect, acceptance and support to all students. Especially those who are transgender, gender non-conforming and non-binary.

Taking an active role in helping a person with others mis-gendering can help a lot. You may hear an acquaintance or family member using the wrong pronoun for someone. In most cases, it is appropriate to gently correct them without further embarrassing the individual who has been mis-gendered. This means saying something like “Karter uses the pronoun she,” and then moving on. If other people are consistently using the wrong pronouns for someone, do not ignore it! It is important to let your friend or family member know that you are there for them.

It may be appropriate to approach them and say something like “I noticed that you were getting referred to with the wrong pronoun earlier, and I know that that can be really hurtful. Would you be okay with me taking them aside and reminding them about your pronouns?” Follow up if necessary, but take your cues from the comfort level of that person. Your actions will be greatly appreciated.

In the beginning if you have trouble using a certain pronoun use they/them. It can help a lot and progress up to using the correct pronouns. If you have a friend that is FtM... and they let you know that. Then use they/them pronouns until you can say he/him. Try forcing yourself to say he/him. That has worked for me in the past if I had trouble getting the pronouns right. I would correct myself and then continue to force myself to use him/him until it turned into such a natural thing.

So ask everyone's pronouns, no matter their appearance

Correct yourself when/if you may accidentally misgender or deadname.

Thank a person for correcting you when you mess up.

And accept everyone for how they are.